| A Host of Things |
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It's been so long since I wrote... well, anything at all that I can't help but feel the desire to sit down and write about... well, anything at all. To say that I want to write about "anything at all" may at first appear to be a willingness to babble -- as if rambling on about any old subject would appease me, but I assure you (and myself), that is not the case. To be frank, so much has happened since the last time I sat down to expound upon my thoughts that I could speak about pretty much "anything at all" and have it be a relevant discourse related to a portion of my life. I've had emergency medical situations, ongoing regular medical situations, relationship disappointments, friendship disappoints, generic disappointments, job enthusiasm, job demoralization, heights of joy and happiness, depths of sadness, personal discoveries, new friendships appearing, old friendships falling away, spiritual reawakening, spiritual failures... where does one start in all of this? Am I egotistical enough to think that I can surmise this in a way that anyone else would possibly want to read it? Both interesting questions; ones I won't bother with for now. I suppose writing itself is the goal in all of this; whether or not it makes sense or anyone reads it is wholly irrelevant to me personally (though I invite you to stay along for the ride; perhaps it will benefit you in some way). To be frank again, my mind keeps leading me to want to write in detail about the spiritual things related in categorical fashion above; however, I will hold off on that lest any of the other categories become a distraction in the meantime. I think I will touch briefly on the medical issues first, as I don't want to go into terrible amounts of detail (for your sake more than my privacy's sake -- I've never been inclined to privacy myself, usually to my own detriment). In any case, in early February I had to be taken to the hospital from work; I had experienced a brief heart palpitation followed by an elevated heart rate (160 at one point [for those of you who didn't spend significant portions of your time watching a host of hospital shows on TV at one time or another, it's generally preferable for one's heart rate to be between 60-100 beats per minute as an adult]). To make this long story short, the cardiologist I saw determined that my episode was caused by a rather severe case of acid reflux. This makes sense to me as I've lived with horrible indigestion for quite a while now -- at times so bad I was unable to sleep for most of the night. I was placed on an acid reducer as well as heart-rate medication to prevent another incident. My stomach issues improved but not completely. A couple of weeks later I saw a gastroenterologist who put me on an additional acid reducer and scheduled both an ultrasound and an endoscopy. Since then I have had both tests done (the latter of which was a miserable experience for me personally that I won't relate here, but to say I made the experience far worse than it needed to be would be an understatement) and both have come back negative for any issues, thank God. I am continuing to follow up with the necessary doctors at this point to complete the clean bill of health. In addition I am on a diet in an attempt to lose the substantial amount of weight that makes up the "over" portion of my being "overweight." I am down about 20 pounds so far, but there is a long way to go. While no more need be said of my medical issues I do offer this -- a plea to anyone else who has struggled with their weight to deal with it, as soon as possible. I understand how difficult it is (trust me, I do), but there is no better time to begin to care for yourself than now if you aren't already doing so. If you are doing so, keep it up -- you get a gold star; though, you may have to track me down to receive it. :) The next few categories revolved around various types of inter-personal and personal disappointments. Detail will again be spared here; this time not for my sake, but for the sake of those involved. While I feel no hesitation in broadcasting much of my life to the greater internet population (as most of them don't give a hoot and a holler anyhow), I do not feel the liberty to do so with others' lives. I will say this -- friendships are terribly frail, and the people you have them with are even more frail. It is both an effort and responsibility to strengthen and nurture friendships, and I have learned not to take this lightly. I suppose some combination of: the medical issues discussed above, the disappointments and the spiritual aspects of my life have made me appreciate my friendships so very, very much. If you are one that I count as a friend reading this, know that I love you very much, and I hope that I've told you so recently. If not, it is a simple and silly oversight on my part! That being said, I suppose the most difficult part of these kinds of disappointments is when others do not live up to the image we have of them. Some would put the blame on the image more so than the person; I would suggest that this is unfair as the person is often primarily responsible for creating the image (though I readily admit that there are cases where the image is wholly undeserved). Unfortunately, the older I get the more frequently I have seen my images of others broken and marred by their actions in reality. Sometimes this means minor alterations to my artwork; however, there are times where the ending representation is wholly different than the original. It is during the latter times that the idea of unconditional love becomes the most ridiculous concept in the entire world. After all it is one thing to love that which conforms to our expectations of it, but to continue that love when the object thereof falls woefully short of our expectations? The ability to do so is truly inhuman, and this understanding all the more underscores the amazement one has when reflecting upon God's unconditional love toward us (can you see the transition here? I am sure you can, but we are not quite there yet!). I am by no means making the claim to fully possess or understand or be capable of unconditional love, but to the extent I have been allowed to show it to others and have had it shown to me I can assuredly reflect on its incredible and difficult qualities. I suppose the job area comes next in the list... the whole concept of this "working phase" of life is so new to me that I hardly feel qualified to comment on much of it at all. Really, I am still learning to deal with the ins and outs of having a full-time job -- dealing with the changes, the struggles, taking the good with the bad and on and on and on. I had never seen myself as someone who would fit in well working at a large company; yet, here I am working for one of the largest telecommunications companies in the world. There are certainly a lot of aspects I struggle with -- being merely a small piece of the puzzle, so interdependent on the other pieces, at the whim of those above me -- these are merely a few areas; however, the benefits, security and opportunities afforded me I would trade for just about nothing right now. All in all, it has been a wonderful experience thus far; one that I hope continues for quite awhile. Though I am not quite where I would like to be long term, I do believe that I am picking up valuable experience and knowledge, and that I will be in a good position to find my way to a situation more suited for me personally. Working in a customer service role has opened up quite an interesting can of worms. I am not a "people person" per se, but I do believe I am able to deal with people well; it's just that generally I choose not to! Unfortunately I am not much in a circumstance where I can make that choice. Even so, I am trying to learn all that I can from it and will see where it takes me. Well I do believe I may have overlapped some categories! Friendships have already been covered above indeed, and personal discoveries are just that! They are personal and will remain so -- more for my inability to expound on them in a beneficial way to the reader than for the desire for "personal space" as it were. (As an aside, in case you were wondering, I've been listening to Norah Jones while writing). It seems that this leaves us free to move on to the spiritual aspects of my little note here. I know that some of you will have the initial reaction of running off to some other ridiculous corner of the internet, but if you have come this far do continue! Perhaps if nothing else you will find it interesting. (I've switched to Nina Simone now as Norah's work is complete here -- I guess I am in the mood for soothing jazz-esque music this evening). There is really so much I could say from a spiritual perspective; I am hard pressed to pick an area to focus on. That being said, I will not exhaust your patience (especially those of you who are but begrudging me a few more moments of your time!). Really, there is a story to tell -- somewhere in the midst of the medical turmoil and interpersonal issues, the Lord grabbed quit the hold of me. While I have been a Christian (of the born-again, non-Catholic/Mormon/JW/etc. etc. type) for quite a long time -- I suppose about 16 or 17 years now -- and have grown up in church, my life has not always been one of dedication or the pursuit of a close relationship with my Creator. I have a feeling that most, if not all of you, are well aware of that. It is a rut that is easy to slip in; the reality of God and the importance of fellowship with the same can become mere compartments of an existence without any special place in that existence. For some this leads them far away from God -- into all sorts of obvious and open sin (drinking, drugs, partying, impurity, bitterness, pride, the list goes on); however, for others the affect is much more subtle -- though just as deadly. I fell into the second category: contentment for mediocrity breeding degradation of the conscience leading to ultimately a lack of concern for the greater things of God. To top it all off (and this is the first time I have discussed this at all), the fight with questions and doubts eventually came to fruition. It was something of an ugly battle; though, not terribly long as I remember. In all seriousness (and here is where we may surprise some of you), I was no more than a few bad ideas and conclusions from walking away all together. It is not a stretch to imagine a step into complete athiesm from my mental position at the time. It is frightening and sobering to think of the end of such an event. While some may take this as a sign of the frailty of spiritual belief, I see nothing but the depraved nature of man, desiring freedom from his Creator, lashing out in disbelief at the condition of the world around him. How can these things be? What loving God would allow this? It's all fairly ridiculous, but, indeed, "Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools," (Romans 1:22) and again, "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts," (Isaiah 55:9) and yet again, "... the thing molded will not say to the molder, 'Why did you make me like this?' will it?" (Romans 9:20c) or, "For when they maintain this [The denial of Christ's return], it escapes their notice that by the word of God the heavens existed long ago and the earth was formed out of water and by water," (2 Peter 3:5 - comments mine). Indeed, how foolish to reject the knowledge of the living God! As frightening as it is to consider the possibilities had I been left to my own devices, it is ever more exhilarating to consider the boundless love of God that has kept and sustained me even as I questioned its very existence. Yes, "Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways!" (Romans 11:33). Truly would I urge you to consider the existence of the Almighty -- if God exists (and He does), His very existence demands a response. If you have never done so, it is of the most crucial of things to make peace with Him. This peace can only be brokered by faith in the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ's sacrifice and resurrection: "For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast," (Ephesians 2:8). If you have already put your faith in this sacrifice as pardon for your sins, the existence of God demands a response from you as well. What will you do with this gift of faith? Will you follow Him whole-heartedly and do all that you can to walk with Him, or will you allow contentment for mediocrity to lead you down the slippery slope away from Him? I would plead earnestly with you to take seriously the reality of the existence of God and to react with all love and devotion towards Him who first loved us. All of that having been said, I will belabor the point no longer (for which those of you who are still reading I'm sure are thankful). I honestly don't know if anyone will read this at all, but I have felt better writing it. If anyone has the desire to discuss anything with me, do contact me in some fashion as I am always ready to do so! All the love I can muster, T "...to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, {be} glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen," (Jude 1:25). |
| Category: Life - Music: Norah Jones & Nina Simone - Comments (54) |
| This Broken Train of Broken Brakes With Broken Souls |
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Mothers sit in corners Daughters in the darkness With the sons of fathers long gone blind Dying for the lies of lust Oh! How have we all gone mad Now we all are blind We are hurdling We are too far gone Love hast lost its meaning Faith has lost its hold Cos we are all gone blind And we are scared We are all alone All together alone Brothers...sisters...light Still pierces darkest clouds Hope still lives where love has gone Faith will move our mntns still We don't have to be alone We don't have to be alone |
| Category: General - Music: Current Music - Comments (53) |
| Sleep in Sounds |
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No goodbyes Another night Lick the wound Sleep sound Sleep in sounds Hold Hold it over Oh, darkened head How is it Where we are Another shadow Oh so shallow Feel a chill Down spine Broken angel I miss your pain Let the blood So pretty in red Spattered or soaked Couldn't want You anymore than then Couldn't want You anymore Once more Crisscrossed The sonic repose You and I Sleep in sounds You and I Once more |
| Category: General - Music: my bloody valentine - Comments (56) |
| Love and the One-Way Train |
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From what I hear Love hopped the first train Far away, away from here To see the green of the grass On the other side Well maybe it's greener Or maybe it's just a fraud But a one-way ticket Just means no return So dance my dear To the beat of the twinkle In the stars And sing my sweet With the chorus of waters In the sea Cause we can't count on love To ever return to us We can't count on love That's quite alright with me |
| Category: General - Music: Hope of the States - Black Dollar Bills - Comments (57) |
| Thoughts |
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So, I didn't write a New Year's letter this year. I don't suppose most anyone will be particularly disappointed by this. Heck, I'd be amazed if more than the one person who asked me about it even noticed that it didn't happen. Now that I've brought it up, though, you may be wondering why I didn't write it. The flat out, honest reason? I had too much to say. I know; I know; initial logic supposes that having things to say when writing a letter is usually beneficial; however, that isn't the case here. Some of the things I had to say, I've said before, and I don't want to say again. I'm tired of repeating myself. Some of the things I had to say, you don't want me to say -- and some of things in these two categories overlap. I usually tried to make the new year's e-mails encouraging for the most part. Unfortunately, I couldn't be encouraging and honest at the same time this year. So I chose to keep silent. I don't want to give the impression of an overall negativity on my part; however, I am nothing if not honest. I am a paradox of believing in beautiful ideals while being firmly grounded in reality. I refuse to do anything which only serves one of these truths, and therefore, I could not keep the positivity I desired in the letter along with its typical subject matter. My disappointment in the way many situations have wound themselves in recent memory is tempered with my hope in the power of grace ad infinitum. My heartbreak over the choices and movements within lives is subdued by a belief in pervasive, unrelenting mercy. I claim no personal perfection, nor do I propose to be a bastion of repeatable behavior. I have come to grips with the ugly dichotomy of my existence -- the sinner and the saint, the child of God infested with sinful desires... and have learned that the goal isn't to never fall. The goal is to run in the right direction every time we do. The goal is to stop running away. The goal is to swallow our pride, "come to ourselves," and run to the One wherein lies perfect beauty, truth, love, peace, grace and mercy. Perhaps you could say that this is something of a replacement for the New Year's letter. Perhaps that would be fair, even if unintended. Regardless, I have said all that I desired to, and sleep is calling. All my love, T |
| Category: General - Music: - - Comments (55) |